October 21, 2010

Wild Turkey Thanksgiving Survival Kit

wild_turkey_thanksgiving.jpgWell, we know Halloween hasn't even come and gone yet, but it's never too early to start thinking about the next holiday. Especially when that holiday involves time off from work, gorging yourself mercilessly, seeing friends and family, and hopefully, drinking some delicious whiskey.

This might seem like a crazy stretch to you, but Wild Turkey has declared itself the "Official Bourbon of Thanksgiving." Wait for it...OK, you're seeing the connection now. As we told their representative, we already wrote our magnum opus connecting the two way back in 2005 - Make Thanksgiving Wild Turkey Day. Not to be outdone, they fired back with some thoughts of their own.

So, without further ado, advice from Wild Turkey on what to bring (and what to know) in order to survive Thanksgiving (with some slight tweaks from us):

  • A bottle of Wild Turkey 101-- The night before Thanksgiving is a big night to see old friends, and there's no better way to show them you care than by responsibly sharing a bottle of good bourbon
    .
  • Earplugs -- Unless you want to be woken at 6am on Thanksgiving morning by the general hustle and bustle, you might want some of these.

  • Antacid -- Thanksgiving is a great time to push the limits of human consumption. It's a bad time to feel like you're dealing with the Chest Burster from Alien.

  • Pocket-sized head bandage -- Tell your crazy ex that, "ever since the accident I don't recall faces well."

  • Breath mints -- In case of not-so-crazy or potential ex.

  • Cab fare -- Because you're old enough to be responsible.

  • Flowers and a necktie -- Because you still need to make it up to Mom for last year.

  • Another bottle of Wild Turkey 101 for your host--This is the difference between sitting with your cool cousins and being forced to work the turkey carving station. Plus, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, they'll have to share.

  • Can of cranberry sauce -- Welcome to supply-side economics.

  • Blacklist of conversation topics -- Do the legwork in advance to make sure you don't ask "Where's Ricky?" if the answer is "still in jail."

  • Remember two things: Drink responsibly, and it's not Thanksgiving without the Turkey.

And, since it's our site, we'll give you the high points from our original article:
  • Take a few nips before you get to the table. You'd be surprised how many places you can find in your parents' house to sneak a drink. Hell, your mom's been doing it for years.

  • Wild Turkey is a gentleman's drink. Don't forget to share with grandma. Alternately, you can share with any "available" friends your siblings may have brought home for the holiday (21 and older only, please). In a pinch, attractive cousins at least twice-removed are acceptable - they're called "kissing cousins" for a reason.

  • Bring your bottle to the table. There's no reason to interrupt your Turkey consumption while people are stuffing themselves with bird. If your family doesn't approve, put it in a gravy boat and tell everyone it's vegetarian dipping sauce...it'll be all yours.

  • Swish the bourbon in your mouth during and between bites. This is a way to try to rehydrate the dry, overcooked turkey, if necessary. It will most likely be necessary.

  • Try to pass out right after dinner. This works well with the 101 proof variety. If you play your cards right, you'll be off in tryptophan and bourbon-induced slumber behind a potted plant well before your uncles start unbuttoning their pants to make room for seconds.

We figure between the two sets of advice, you'll end up in your family's good graces...or in jail. Happy Thanksgiving - it's only a month away!

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Posted by Jake Jamieson at October 21, 2010 10:12 PM
Recent Comments

Obviously, you don't Thanksgiving party the way we Thanksgiving party. Actually, you're absolutely right. Good catch!


Posted by: Liquor Snob at December 17, 2010 4:32 PM

I sure hope you mean second cousins! "Twice removed" means two generations before or after, grandparents or grandchildren.


Posted by: Dave at December 17, 2010 4:27 PM
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