Bottle Throttle Review
Welcome to our fully full-on review of the Bottle Throttle, our latest gadget designed to get beer into us at the speed of light. We were excited (and a bit nervous) to try it after its creator told us of its 2-3 second delivery time, and when we couldn't browbeat any of the interns into stepping up to the plate, our fearless leader himself was the first to try it.
That's right - Editor in Chief vs Bottle Throttle in a fight to the drunk.
We have to admit we were a little thrown by the simplicity of the Bottle Throttle at first. It looks basically like the nipple of a baby bottle mated with your gym teacher's whistle, then had a drinking straw stuck up its ass, and we were curious how effective it would be.
We were impressed with the durability of the Throttle's material, however, and how easily it slipped over the neck of the beer bottle, like it was born to be there. The lanyard was a nice touch too, making sure we didn't lose it in between rounds, and we can see these things sweeping the nation as the next fad in neckwear - move over Flavor Flav's clock.
Our Editor in Chief slips the Throttle over the neck of the bottle and eyes his competitor with grim determination. He cautiously moves it to his lips and tilts it back, taking a small swig "just to see what the action was like." He says there is the tiniest delay and a gurgling noise as the beer makes its way past the drinking straw that goes to the bottom of the bottle, but no one else notices it.
He puts the bottle to about a 45 degree angle and consumes the beer; nowhere near as aggressive as he could have been, he's feeling his opponent out.
Time: 8 Seconds
Round Winner: Bottle Throttle
Now our fearless leader has his beer legs under him, and he comes in swinging. He slaps the contraption onto another bottle and knocks it back to a near 90-degree angle. A bit of foam shoots out of the corners of his mouth and his jaw works frantically like some kind of strange bearded baby animal nursing at a beer teat, but he gets it all down.
Time: 5 Seconds
Round Winner: Tie
By now, EiC knows what's coming and he's determined to get the Bottle Throttle against the ropes. He tilts his head just so, opens his throat, and the beer is gone before the stopwatch is even started. General consensus puts the time at somewhere near 2-3 seconds, and the young whippersnapper interns look on with renewed admiration.
Time: 2-3 Seconds
Round Winner: Editor in Chief
Like Little Mac from Punchout, the Bottle Throttle packs a mean punch for such a small package. It was simpler to use and more portable than many of the funneling/shotgunning tools we've tried, and at ten bucks a pop, more affordable too. We recommend this thing for tailgating, parties, or even just posing a challenge to yourself on a Wednesday night. Just make sure you have some spare drinking straws around.
Buy yours at Bottle Throttle, and don't forget - free shipping all summer if you buy them in packages of two.
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Posted by Jake at July 9, 2009 7:52 AM