March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patrick's Day From Liquor Snob

Top o' the mornin' to ya! And we can almost guarantee that you feel better this morning than you will tomorrow. How do we know? Because tonight is the biggest amateur drinking night of the year, where everyone pretends they're Irish for a day.

Apparently to a lot of people, being honorary Irish means paying a $15 cover charge to get into an overcrowded bar and drink too many pints of Budweiser tinted with green food coloring. If you're lucky, the local Puddle of Mudd cover band will be Irish for the night too, butchering "O Danny Boy" and "Fairytale of New York."

We may sound bitter, but that's because drinking is not an amateur sport. Believe us - we're Scottish, we drink every night. So tonight when you're heading out for your "Irish" festivities, here are a few tips to get you through:

Green beer isn't the only thing on the menu...and never mind that corned beef and cabbage stuff. Try some black beer (Guinness) or Irish whiskey to get a true sampling of all the Irish food groups.
Resist the urge to wear your "Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day." Even if you're as Irish as the potato famine and you're trying to be encouraging, it's just irritating.
Try to listen to the Pogues today...it's good for the soul. "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by the Dropkick Murphys may also be appropriate.
Don't enter a drinking contest with anyone with a brogue.
Prepare yourself tonight to fight your hangover tomorrow. Believe us, you'll need to.

So what do you think, loyal readers? Are there any tips we've missed for encouraging a fun, safe, and non-irritating St. Patty's Day?